The Secret to Redemption
by Kanon Anderson
Summary: By request made by many of readers, the sequel to The Ghost of You and Spaces in Between.  She had promised she wouldn’t leave again. It was only promised she’d ever made that he wasn’t sure she would keep
1. Chapter 1

She watched as the snow fell from the dark sky, swirling and gathering on the streets below. It was impossible to tell how deep it was; it was still dark and all she could see was the snow that had gathered by the street light that cast it's glow into her apartment. She let out a deep breath, watching her breath fogged the window, crystals glittering against the harsh orange light from the street light.

Stirring behind her caught Olivia's attention and she turned to see Elliot turn over onto his stomach, his hand reaching out to her side of the bed. It would only be a few seconds before he woke up, looking for her.

Olivia woke most nights, unable to sleep and restless. She would sit in the living or by the window in their bedroom, on the window sill, looking out over the city, like she sat now. He too would wake most nights, some to find her sleeping softly next to him and others to find her in the living room or sitting on the sill of their bedroom. Tonight, he opened his eyes to find her sitting at the window, a blanket wrapped around her and her head resting against the window pane.

Elliot watched her for a moment, knowing that she knew he was awake. The first time he woke up after she had moved back in with him, he was afraid it'd been a dream. That she was gone again. And he was alone again. When he found her in the living room that night, sound asleep in the chair by the window, he had let out a long sigh.

She had promised she wouldn't leave again. It was only promised she'd ever made that he wasn't sure she would keep. "You okay?" His voice broke the silence and she nodded, her eyes still looking out the window. "Couldn't sleep?" She shrugged slightly, so slightly that he thought he might have missed it. Silence fell over them again as he watched her sitting by the window, still except for her breaths that fogged the pane lightly.

"It's cold outside," he said, shifting back to his side of the bed, "Why don't you come back to bed, where it's warm."

He saw her hesitation and began to grow concerned. "Olivia? Honey, what's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant." Whatever words he had been about to speak died before the left his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

He climbed out of bed and walked over to her slowly, afraid that if he moved quickly, she would run away. Leave him again. "Are you sure?" She nodded, looking up at him. In the soft light that filtered in from outside, he could see the wet tracks from tears on her cheeks.

"I found out from the doctor today. That was the call I got at dinner." He nodded, not sure of what to say.

They had eaten dinner at an Italian resturaunt with his kids to celebrate Kathleen's birthday. He remembered her getting a phone call and watching as she got up to speak to whoever it was on the other end. She had returned a few minutes later, looking a little distraught, which had concerned him, but a smile had soon spread across her face when the waiter brought a piece of cake in with a candle lit. They sang "Happy Birthday" and his concern had faded at the sight of her smile.

"How far along?" It'd been four days since they'd last slept together. It'd been like so many other days. Long and hard, driving them both to seek comfort from each other.

"Four weeks," she said, "I hadn't been feeling well recently. I thought I caught the flu or something." He nodded, reaching across the void between them to stroke the soft skin of her wrist. He knew she had been tired and nauseous recently and kicked himself for not picking up on the signs. Four children with his ex wife and he still couldn't recognize the symptoms.

She watched as dawn began to break across the heavy sky, a deep blue against black clouds. He watched silently, his hand never letting go of her wrist. He knew she would talk when she was ready. "I got pregnant the same way the first time. Forgot to take the pill," she said, her eyes tracing the defining edge between the skies and the early rays of sunlight.

"This won't be like the last time," he said in a hushed voice.

"I won't leave?" She turned to face him, her eyebrow raised to meet his eyes. She knew he didn't trust her to stay. There were times she didn't trust herself. Trusting him had never been the problem.

"We won't lose the baby." He fought to keep his voice steady and even. The discussion about the child they'd lost had become like the baby itself- none existent and only serving to increase the emptiness that remained between them. "Do you want to keep it?"

"I don't know," she said, shifting slightly. The coldness she hadn't felt before now suddenly chilled her to the bone. Elliot nodded, unsure of what to say. Everything in his religion said that not having the child was not an option, but now, with the seemingly brittleness of their relationship, the God he had so heavily prayed to his entire life didn't seem as important as keeping her with him, by his side.

"Let's go to bed," he said, letting out a sigh and standing, holding his hand out for her. "We can figure things out in the morning."

She nodded and took his hand, letting him lead her to the bed and lay down, pulling her close against his chest. She lay on her side, her eyes still looking out the window to the breaking of the day. Beside her, Elliot lay quietly, his soft rhythmic breathing signifying that he had drifted back off to sleep. Self consciously, her hand drifted down to her stomach and rubbed the flat, soft skin of her abdomen.

Olivia had stroked her abdomen every night the last time she had gotten pregnant. Things had been so different then. She didn't question her happiness and Elliot's love had come without boundaries. Even though she knew he loved him regardless, she didn't know if she could handle the pregnancy again. Losing one child had been hard. Losing another would kill her and in time, him as well.


	3. Chapter 3

Casey walked into the diner on Monday afternoon, spotting her friend sitting in the back, her eyes downcast towards the cup in front of her. "Hey," she said, sitting down and shaking the rain from her hair, "Sorry I'm late. Decision took longer than I thought it would." Olivia didn't register the rain until a drop landed on her hand.

"It's okay," Olivia said, taking a sip of her tea, keeping her hands wrapped around the ceramic mug.

"What's with the tea," Casey asked, waving the waitress over and ordering coffee, "Back on the organic kick again?"

"I'm pregnant." Her words fall heavy and the silence that follows every time she's said that word falls again.

"Are you sure?" Casey's eyes are wide, eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Four weeks," Olivia said, sipping her tea again. She'd give anything for the drink in her hand to be a gin and tonic. Like many mornings and nights before, she's not sure what stops her from ordering that drink. Maybe it's the fact that it's not even noon and she promised herself since her mother stumbled home at ten in the morning when she had been eight, she'd never get drunk before noon. Or maybe it's the fact that she's pregnant that stops her from getting up and walking to the bar she knows is on the corner. Apart of her wonders if that's truly what stops her, knowing she might hurt the baby. And for a moment, she wonders if she drank last time she was pregnant, before she even knew. If that was what killed the baby.

"-told Elliot yet?" Olivia shook her head, her eyes moving to Casey's who had just finished speaking. She had barely registered the question before the words came tumbling out.

"I told him last night."

"Was he happy?" Olivia's eyes fall to the untouched cup of coffee in front of Casey as her shoulders rise and fall.

"I guess. He thinks I'll run away again."

"Will you?" Like Elliot, Casey knew there was a chance Olivia would run again. The pregnancy on top of their unspoken brittle relationship all led to that possible ending.

"No," Olivia said, shaking her head. "Thought about it, though. Thought about a lot of things."

"When's it due," Casey asked, finally putting cream and sugar in her coffee before taking a sip.

"Middle of May sometime," Olivia said. Her words came out soft and disconnected and Casey closed her eyes, praying she wasn't hearing the words Olivia wasn't saying.

"You're considering an abortion." The words came out as a statement, rather than a question and before the words were even out of her mouth, Casey felt her heart fall and break. She had prayed since Olivia's return that things would work out between the two and for awhile, she thought things had. But now, as she sat before her friend whose eyes were sad and downcast, the hope she'd had quickly vanished.

"I don't know yet," Olivia said, "We're not ready for a child."

"Not ready? Liv, you and Elliot tried so hard before…before you left," Casey said, leaning forward and touching her hand. "I know you lost the first baby and I know it broke your heart and while I wish I could say I understand, I don't and I don't know I ever will, but Liv, he lost a child too. And at least that's someone you can share your pain with."

"Don't say that," Olivia said, her voice returning for just a moment with all of the strength she'd had before she was gone.

"That you can share your pain with Elliot?" The puzzled expression on Casey's face increased the sadness on Olivia's.

"That you wish you could understand," Olivia said, her eyes meeting Casey's. "I hope you are never able to understand, Casey. Never. I hope you never understand what it's like to feel a baby's kick inside of you one day and then the next, it's gone. I hope you never understand what it's like to feel so completely broken and not be able to fix it."

"Who broke you, Liv? Was it the baby? Or being taken from Elliot?" Casey's eyes searched the woman's face, seeking out answers to the questions that had been left unanswered for so long. It was no secret that Liv had come back changed, different and in many ways, the polar opposite of who she had been. She had become a shadow or an image in a mirror, like Olivia in so many ways, but cold and lifeless all the same. And for a moment, sitting in the diner with a cold wind blowing leaves, she had seen the old Olivia, full of pain and life but now that the fire in her eyes had faded, she saw only the shadow. "Who broke you, Liv?"

Her words fell on deaf ears, the questions remaining unanswered.


End file.
